From Shame to Authentic Parenting: Breaking Free from the “Perfect Parent” Trap

"Shame is the most powerful master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough." Brene Brown

These days, shame is often hard to see, yet it can weigh heavily on parents. It shows up quietly—when you lose your patience, blame yourself for your child’s struggles, or compare yourself to parents online who seem to have it all together.

Shame researcher and author, Brene Brown, differentiates shame from other emotions like guilt. Unlike guilt (which says, “I DID something wrong”), shame whispers something deeper: “I AM wrong.” And that belief can quietly shape how you show up for yourself and your kids in ways you may not even realize.

Why Shame Is So Common in Parenting

Parenting brings constant responsibility, high expectations from others and yourself, and a real fear of making mistakes. With cultural pressure, family history, and constant comparisons, it’s easy to feel like you’re never enough.

Social media makes it seem like everyone else is more patient, more organized, more joyful.
Cultural ideas about what makes a “good parent” often clash with your own heart or values.
Old childhood wounds can come back, making you feel unworthy or unlovable and keeping the cycle of shame going.

Shame grows in silence, and since parenting can feel lonely, it often has the space it needs to get stronger.

How Shame Impacts You (and Your Kids)

Shame is more than just a feeling. It can settle into your body and nervous system. When it’s triggered, you might go into survival mode—lashing out, shutting down, or trying too hard to get everything right.

Over time, this can create patterns such as:

Disconnection from your children—you’re present physically but distant emotionally.
Repeating cycles of harshness or people-pleasing.
Carrying a deep sense of unworthiness that your children may pick up on without even realizing it.

Transformative Art Healing

The good news is that shame doesn’t have to define you or your parenting.

Transformative Art Healing (TAH) is a 12-step,trauma-informed approach. It helps release old wounds, gently calm your nervous system, and anchor healing messages, all without needing to retell your painful story.

By combining energy healing, symbolic art, and body-based practices, TAH supports deep healing that goes beyond words. One of its best features is that you don’t have to talk about the issue, so you don’t have to revisit or explain the shame connected to it.

To get a sense of this, try a simple Transformative Art Healing practice that can help calm and restore your nervous system:

Materials: Paper + crayons, markers, or coloured pencils

Centre & Breathe

Close your eyes (or soften your gaze).
Place one hand on your heart, the other on your belly.
Take three slow breaths, in through your nose and out with a sigh, imagining your body softening with each exhale.

Choose a Colour of Calm

Ask yourself: “If my body could show me the colour of calm, what would it be?”
Open your eyes and choose the colour that came to mind, without overthinking it.

Flow Onto the Page

With your chosen colour, begin making soft, flowing shapes on the paper.
Picture your nervous system unwinding, like waves, spirals, or gentle lines.
Let your hand move at the rhythm of your breath.

Pause & Reflect

Look at what you’ve created.
Notice how your body feels now compared to when you started.
Gently tap the top of your head and say aloud three times: “I am safe. I can return to calm.”

This simple practice helps your nervous system move from stress back to balance, using creativity as a bridge.

A Gentle Reminder

Letting go of shame doesn’t mean you have to be a perfect parent. It means you can be a real, authentic one.

When you treat yourself with compassion instead of criticism, and calm instead of reactivity, you set yourself free. By doing this, you show your children what it really means to be human: imperfect, messy, and always worthy of love.

Work with Me

If you’d like to learn more about Transformative Art Healing and how it can support your healing journey, you’re welcome to reach out at jcahorne@gmail.com. You can also visit www.wholeisticwaycoaching.com, or click here to book a personal session.